What the hell did I just watch? 1 - ultimate death match

Ok - since I'm laid up with a broken ankle, I thought I'd make use of the unlimited data plan I've got from three (Cheers guys) to at least do something. So I looked up something pro wrestling related on a little website called filmon.tv - and boy was I surprised at the plethora of bargain basement guff on there. Since I ballsed up my first attempt at walking on crutches and almost did my good foot in during an impromptu breakdance attempt, it looks like I've got a day or two with sod all to do apart from change position every now and again and consume the culinary delights of cafe Royal Victoria Infirmary. So here goes with the first of a trilogy of a little curiosity that might just kill some time.

Ultimate death match

We're pretty much dropped straight into a backstage type meeting at a wrestling school/show/training school on about the dwindling audiences for wrestling on TV. Who's in the ring talking to folk on the outside? It's perennial stars to any weird shit they can shoehorn wrestling into films, Kevin Nash, and Shane Douglas. Oh boy, there's a seal of quality right there.

We get given the premises that the business is on its arse and it's time to innovate. Ok fair enough.

Random singular papparazo accosts a promoter, and we get the second lead-in story - a wrestler had a heart attack in the ring at an indy show and the athletic commission took the promoters license away. The reporter is politely told to depart and the promoter is shown in a bar. Two guys kick shit out (read badly implement heel wrestling spots on) of the promoter in the bar for him being responsible for the death of "Johnny".

The typewriter font credits finish

I'll be honest, at this point I'm developing an ear worm of "things can only get better" by D:ream because it looks like nothing is going to make this any more horrible.

How wrong am I? It's the hat trick, Al Snow is here. Apparently his name here is Frosty. I don't see a carrot anywhere, if I did, I'd cut it into slices and carefully layer the slices over my eyes to create a blindfold. A review is what I said I was going to do, and by God I'm going to stick to my guns on this one. Luckily I have another round of painkillers due in about half an hour so that should take the edge off.

Anyhow - Frosty is talking to "Jimmy" (who was with Nash and Douglas during the intro. They're arguing over still running a show after Johnny Pain died. "Jimmy" has an idea

A blonde woman who looks vaguely familiar appears - it looks like she's Frosty's partner. Frosty relays the idea of a pay per view tournament where someone "dies" in the main event, but it's all a work, nobody is actually getting killed and hey, the money's good . The blonde woman doesn't trust Jimmy at all and does a good job of being the pissed off wife, and tells out sub-zero friend to do what he wants, walking off as if he's just asked to go to the pub with his mates on their anniversary.

Quick cut to an office, and apparently the ATF and FBI have gotten wind of the idea.

Back to the school/gym and Jimmy is laying down the tournament to the prospective competitors.

Back to the FBI office, where street clothes guy passes off the web address for the pay per view and some card details. The FBI guy "Bognor" (no, it's not fake razor) is pissed off with the whole thing and wants to be out catching bank robbers.

Bognor, fuck off. You can either risk dying outside of a bank somewhere or watch a really shitty wrestling show. Honestly, I've never seen a show so bad it's made me want to go and start a fight with someone who might have a gun instead. Take the job and be happy with it you miserable sod.

Now that the back story is done with, it's pay per view time. Frosty James and double R are our announce team tonight. Dear god this is awful.

Frosty: yes, that's right tonight, in this ring someone will die.
Double R: yes frosty, death for a price, and we're excited about this new type of entertainment
Frosty: well R and R, it's not really a new type of entertainment, I mean the Roman gladiators have been doing it thousands of years ago

Opening banter aside, the premise is as follows:
8 competitors in a round robin tournament (single elimination surely). In the first round anything goes and KO or submission is the only way to win. The winners move on to the finals where there are no rules (I'm guessing pinfalls count after round 1 - is Vince Russo booking this?). In the championship match someone gets $3 million and the opponent goes home in a wooden overcoat.

Let's meet the contents:
Match 1 - The Beast vs Larkin

Frosty is on promo duty. The Beast (no idea) is here to kill someone, and the masked Larkin is too busy pissing himself laughing or having a series of small strokes (I couldn't tell because the acting is bloody awful) to care.

Frosty asks if he's the only sane one around here. That's pushing it a bit mate, your participation in this debacle already means your room is getting lined with rubber while you're out filming, and not because the blonde woman is getting kinky.

To the ring. The beast is mad over. The crowd shots we keep cutting to focus on a guy with a cigar wearing a black cowboy hat and a bunch of women with him.

Larkin is all over the Beast to start - the Beast comes back with a hand bite, a finger split and a kick up the arse. Kerb stomps by the Beast and a variety pack of headkicks.

A paving slab gets involved somehow. Beast is blatantly going for the KO with all these head attacks. Paving stone to the back of the head for the knockout. Beast wins. Apparently not by fatality, but pretty close.

Cut to a box room somewhere - the promoter is watching the analytics. His henchman is wearing an eye patch. Not enough evil bastards wear eye patches anymore.

They've just broke 10 million viewers. Perfect time for the promoter to ask the henchman if he lost his eye in a "masturbation accident". Harsh, and completely out of left field!

Wobbly screen flashback to him getting a syringe pushed and emptied into his eye. Wobbly screen return to present and the henchman replies in a sombre tone "I don't remember".

Promoter tells the Cyclops to get frosty to push the death angle. The Cyclops heads off to comply while giving possibly the least menacing menacing chuckle imaginable - and bearing in mind I've seen Prince of space, that's saying something.

Match 2 is Jimmy Flame VS Azul. Bloody hell.

Jimmy Flame cuts a 2003 era CZW style promo. All foul language and over the top threats from our slack jawed typically southern friend, who does look like he's been paid in either meth, or meths.
Azul is a luchador apparently. 3rd generation - and he looks like the distant cousin of a random villano. I don't know which one - if you've got a dice to hand roll it and write it in yourself. This should be interesting.

Flame has a chain with him as we cut to the ring. Flame has "dynamite" written on his tights. Azul is luchadoring his ass off and getting the upper hand on flame when we cut back to the FBI office.

Bognor is taking a call from his mother when his crony and a blatantly off her face on something female officer rock up in the background. The phone call ends and Bognor is reminded to watch and record the event because they think someone is going to die. He's still not having it.

Back to the match. Azul is still running rings around Flame. Flame comes back, much to the delight of our cowboy friend in the VIP booth.

Flame with a choke using the chain, and a top rope fist drop into azul's head on top of the chain.

Azul kicks flame in the back, and hits him with the balled up chain. "Blood" everywhere at this point (It's not a blade job, that looks sod all like actual blood)

Flame ejects the ref for no reason. Lots of back and forth with the chain between these two until Azul finally gets choked out with the chain. Flame advances

Match 3
Dash venture Vs Aaron bolo

Bolo cuts a bi-lingual promo. Dash just wants to win the money and be "notorious"

Dash has a pop at a fan and is levelled by bolo. The match gets underway and bolo (apparently south Korean) is no selling hard until he gets his balls caved in. Venture is properly heeling it up with the crowd while choking bolo out.
A jawbreaker reversal gives bolo the upper hand, venture exposes a turnbuckle, slams bolo's head into it and hits a DDT for the knockout.

The crowd half drown out the post match promo.

We cut to the Cyclops (Doc) and the promoter. Who reiterate that Dash really wants to win. Good job because we couldn't hear a bloody thing dash said after that match.

Match 4 - Pauli ventura Vs Russian python.
Python shouts something in Russian, Pauli is doing it for the money and to get his family back. Not sure how or where he lost them, but there you go.

Python attacks with a mop handle - that must be some mop because that handle is around 7 feet long. Pauli takes over and knocks out python with a knee to the head.

Doc Cyclops is stroking a gargoyle in the promoters office. Promoter sends Doc out to get him the Beast. Looks like the beast is getting the push here.

Beast accosts Pauli who is now bleeding for some reason - it didn't happen during the match. Doc separates them. I'm guessing he's more of an agent than a henchman.

Cut to the ring and a random match in progress. TKO vs Steve Rush. There's a crutch wrapped in barbed wire being used. TKO opens a bag of drawing pins. Both him and Rush end up in them. No finish shown. The commentary is hilarious on here.

Frosty briefly discussed the morality of the event with the promoter, not really getting any answers.

It is single elimination. The round 2 graphic proves it.

Dash vs the Beast. More awful promos. The Beast dominates this one and is apparently a heel now. Lots of throat and neck work here. Frosty can't tell the difference between a sidewalk slam and a spine buster. Dash reverses a piledriver, but the advantage is short lived as the Beast takes over again. A DDT gives the Beast the win.

Another DDT afterwards just for good measure.  Harsh.

Pauli ventura vs Jimmy Flame

Flame is on top for a good portion of this one. Russian python is shown shaking hands with the promoter and saying "I'll do it". What "it" is, I dunno, but I'm sure it won't be long until we find out.

Pauli gets the upper hand back and knocks out flame for the victory.

Beast vs Pauli ventura is our final. The prize money increased to $5 million somewhere along the line.

Pauli is in the promoters office. The promoter gives him a heads up that the Beast isn't playing around.

The commentators tell us that there's 15 million viewers, so the prize money increases to $7 million.

Just as we're about to get started, we cut to the back and Doc has spiked a drink he's given to Pauli. What a dick.

Pauli is blatantly done for here. The Python and the Beast take liberties on Ventura. Drugged Pauli is rolled to the outside. The fans aren't happy. Presumably because nobody died. The promoter pits the Python and the Beast against each other in the final. Beast quickly attacks Python and beats him down. The eye gouges throughout this film have been bloody horrible looking.

That paving slab is back from before. For a quick shot or two. The Beast hits a piledriver to kill the Python, and take the money.

In the promoters office, they seem happy with the whole affair and the 27 million viewers. Doc goes to get the helicopter. The cowboy and his women leg it for a limo. Frosty rolls it up with a rant about how "we all had a part in this murder" and proceeds to have a meltdown over being implicated in this event - so he was ok with it up until now? - he's off to find promoter Jake, and double R completely no sells the whole thing wrapping up the broadcast in a calm, professional manner while Python is laying dead in the middle of the ring.

Cut to the FBI office, and Bognor is on the phone to a superior confirming the death. He can't believe they have a murder to solve.

The credits come up - here's a few nuggets from them:

Commentators: Frosty James and Brutus beefcake (that looked and sounded fuck all like Ed Leslie)

Cameraman: cornbread, ring rat, bung .T. chopper.

The gags go on throughout. These are blatantly the credits for the show within a show.

Frosty catches up with promoter Jake and confronts him about the death being a shoot. Jake tells him he can either take the money and do one or hang around for the coppers to turn up. Double R reappears with Frosty's kit and they bugger off.

We get some out-takes of the promos while the actual credits roll.

This was just over an hour of my life I'm never going to get back, but it was this or the lingerie fight club. I'm on a ward in a room with three other guys, im not watching that here.

Broke his leg in Whitley dancing with a train...

And so it comes to pass that I've spent two weeks laid up with a pot on my leg. I missed freedoms road -which I was absolutely gutted about, and was sufficiently sick of so much going wrong that I gave up the opportunity of a free ticket to the WCPW exit wounds show the same night and watched that on YouTube instead. However, it's not all bad news, - during the stay in hospital I googled something I came across a while ago, and treated myself to a movie. The reviews (or burial as it turns out) is in the next post.